Top Five Worst Bands Ever

This list comprises bands that give me a physical reaction to their badness. Most bad music just makes you want to turn it off or shoot the radio. At the very worst, take out your anger on the band. The bands here, though, make me want to cause harm to myself. I hear them and my stomach immediately tenses. I can feel the blood start to boil and the joy sapped from my life. The only escape is sweet release from this mortal coil. OK, so it’s never gone that far, but my head does pound at the slightest hint of their music.

A few caveats to my selection. I didn’t pick stuff like rap, country, or pop music because it would be too easy. That music isn’t made for me anyway, so I’ll hate it, but let it exist in its alternate dimension. Also, I don’t want to pile up on a particular genre, so some bands not only represent themselves, but similar acts of equal talentlessness.

Anyway, here we go:

Honorable Mention -- Fall Out Boy
Fall Out Boy misses the list because I’ve heard maybe three songs (and hated them all), so I’m not the best judge on that front. My dislike has to do more with the external effects of their fame. Firstly, Pete Wentz. I wish I didn’t have to live in a world where this guy exists in any realm of my experience. I don’t want to see him popping up on TV or here anyone talking about him. Why couldn’t this douchebag remain anonymous? He has one of the most punchable faces I’ve ever seen. I hope someone takes him up on that sometime, preferably me.
Secondly (and lastly), the band name is a Simpsons reference. How can something that represents all that is good and pure in the world be stolen for evil like this? I wish Matt Groening had filed an injunction to stop this travesty. Sadly, Fall Out Boy represents all of my desires being crushed.

5. The Eagles
As the Dude says, “I’ve had a rough night and I hate the fuckin’ Eagles, man.” And much like the Dude, I abide. If I ever faced a situation like Elaine on Seinfeld where I was with someone who entered a trance upon hearing “Desperado,” I’d sneak out of that person’s life forever. The Eagles’ main offense, in my eyes, is how horrifically boring the music is. Just looking at a song list is like overdosing on Ambien. “Take It Easy.” “Peaceful Easy Feeling.” “One of These Nights.” “Life in the Fast Lane,” HA! Nice try Eagles. Fast Lane my ass. If only they remained broken up. Then we wouldn’t have endured Hell Freezes Over (as if they have control of that anyway).

4. Poison
Ahhh, Bret Michaels. Such a fine representative of Central Pennsylvania. I’m embarrassed to even acknowledge that not only did he grow up not 15 minutes from my hometown, but some of my high school teachers went to school with him. I’m connected to him in only two degrees! Which means you, readers, are connected in three degrees!
Now, Poison is a stand-in for the entirety of hair metal, but they are chosen because they are the worst of them all. The embodiment of everything I hate about the genre and yet another notch in my ongoing screed against the 1980’s. To make matters worse, Michaels is now whoring himself on reality TV. I guess it makes sense coming from a music scene that screams, “Look at me!”

3. Deerhoof
I never realized how badly a body can react to new stimulus until I heard Deerhoof for the first time while working at Neato Burrito. The sound of singer Satomi Matsuzaki’s voice immediately shot needles into my brain. By the time the third song started, I was in an active rage. My anger was bubbling out of my ears. Even death metal doesn’t elicit that reaction from me. Most frustrating for me is the Deerhoof is almost universally praised. How can something so assaulting be revered? If you want me to Hulk out, throw on some Deerhoof. I can’t guarantee you’ll like the results.

2. Nickelback
Nickelback is also a representation of a genre. I couldn’t decide between them and Creed, but felt they stepped on each other’s toes. The main reason I chose Nickelback is for an opportunity to link to a video (below). And, of course, I have to bring up the Brian Posehn quote, “I don’t think music makes people violent. I think bad music makes people violent. Like Nickelback makes me want to kill Nickelback.” The genre is filled with the least imaginative and dull “rock” music. The found the recipe and shall never divert. I guess the real reason I chose Nickelback is that at least Creed had the decency to break up.

1. Journey
Like anyone who has been around me the past two years didn’t see this coming. And more proof as to why the ‘80s sucked. The worst part of Journey is their popularity against all odds. I don’t know anyone who owns a Journey album (greatest hits don’t count). Of course, Journey is played so much on the radio that people probably feel that they don’t need to get an album. I’ve heard that there is not a second of any day that Journey is not being played somewhere (heard only because I said it).

Journey also represents that “corporate rock” bands (though I don’t subscribe to that term): Styx, Boston, and REO Speedwagon. With these other bands, I can find something to like, no matter how minute (like “Mr. Roboto” or the “Foreplay” part of “Foreplay/Piece of Mind”).

In the end, Journey makes me not want to leave my apartment. I know I will hear them sometime and have no control. It’s a matter of time. God forbid I go to a bar on the weekend. Journey makes me wish for a totalitarian state where sound has been banned completely.

And they get no video or picture. Suck it, Journey!