Short and Sweet

Gotta put out my Netflix Roundup before I go on my horror binge and write about those all month long. It's going to be a fun month.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe -- Chris Carter
After spending much of the past year watching ever episode of The X-Files, as well as the movie and The Simpsons crossover, and toiling through season nine (Agent Reyes is a bore), I was excited to get to the final movie. All I knew about the movie was the subtitle "I Want to Believe" and that there's lots of snow. Well, "I Want to Believe" is featured prominently on a poster featuring a UFO throughout the series and there was lots of snow in the first movie, so I was fully expecting alien mythology. Instead, I got a shitty police procedural about a priest who may or may not have psychic powers but definitely diddled little boys. I'm a big fan of Billy Connolly and he did well with the role, but dear lord couldn't Carter and co-writer Frank Spotnitz come up with something better? It feels like they had this script lying around and decided that, with a few minor tweaks, it could be an X-File! And all the bullshit about Scully and the boy who needs brain surgery is just a drag. We don't watch The X-Files for melodrama. We watch if for awesome, which there is very little of here. It they had to go the monster-of-the-week rout, why not do it like one of the oddball, genre-defying efforts from seasons 4-6? They needed Vince Gilligan on this one. It's also a little odd ignoring everything from season 9 and even calling it The X-Files when neither Scully or Mulder are agents anymore (and I'm not a fan of them being lovers... it's weird). And Scully is ridiculously written. She begs Mulder to help the FBI yet almost immediately demands that he stop. It's obvious from the moment they meet in the first episode that he's obsessive. Why is she surprised when he won't give up? Scully's much smarter than she's made out to be in this film. Finally, why are Amanda Peet and Xzibit there? Wouldn't it make more sense to have Skinner draw them back into a case? This movie blows.

Ghosts of Mars -- John Carpenter
Speaking of blows... what happened to John Carpenter? I have yet to see The Ward, but haven't heard good things. His episode of Masters of Horror, "Cigarette Burns," was pretty middling (I haven't seen "Pro-Life yet"). He's made some of the greatest horror movies ever, yet hasn't really done anything worthwhile since 1994 (In the Mouth of Madness... though 1998's Vampires is kind of fun if only for James Woods). You hear about director's losing their touch as they get older, but Carpenter underwent a drastic quality slide. The fact that he took a nine year break from making movies explains a lot about his mindset (along with him actually explaining a lot about his mindset). It's possible he could have gotten a good movie out of Ghosts of Mars. The idea of demonic spirits possessing a person and turning them into blood-thirsty demons always fun. Add to that that when the possessed body is killed, the spirits can simply move on to another body. It's an unstoppable force. But having Ice Cube and Natasha Henstridge as your insanely uncharismatic leads is brutal. They are supposed to have lots of playful banter but it simply dies in their mouths (sadly, I can't find any clips of this online). Jason Statham is the only one who really comes out of this film looking good. At least I'll always have The Thing...

The Front Page -- Lewis Milestone
His Girl Friday -- Howard Hawkes
The Front Page -- Billy Wilder
Maybe Carpenter was looking to replicate some of the insanely witty dialogue from one of his cinematic hero's films. Sadly, he didn't have Rosalind Russell or Cary Grant in his cast (now that's a version of Ghosts of Mars I want to see).

Modesty Blaise -- Joseph Losey
This films is poorly conceived at nearly every level. When one thinks of super-spies and parodies, Joseph Losey doesn't immediately pop into mind. His sensibilities couldn't be more inappropriate for the material. The man lacks the sort of broad, comic timing to pull off any of the gags in this film. Add onto that Monica Vitti whose dull, disinterested, vacant stare was perfect for the slow and deliberate shooting style of Antonioni (whose films I don't much care for) is totally out of place as an ass-kicking super-spy. She literally has zero personality. Sure, she's attractive in a bland sort of way in that the longer you look at her, the sleepier you get, but she's certainly no hero (or anti-hero, as the case may be). Modesty Blaise the film, as opposed to the character, is sprawling and confusing with bizarre voiceover that seems to be coming from people spying on characters but in reality seems impossible. Maybe I'm missing the joke, but this film falls into that pile of movies that people can only enjoy for camp, except that at two hours, it's too long even for that.

Thank god I'm spending a month with horror movies. Even if they're bad, someone's going to get killed or get naked (or both!).